We’ve all seen these lists before. “Things no one tells you about parenthood.” I can assure you almost all those lists just gloss over the cold, hard facts. Perhaps they were afraid it would steer you away from having children. Maybe they didn’t want to see the truth in print or say it out loud. Here is the unvarnished truth about the tricks you didn’t think you would master after becoming a parent.

• You will become a master circus juggler at mealtimes. You will be holding your baby’s spoon in one hand and attempting to eat and drink your own meal with the other hand. That is when you manage to eat. You will worry so much about feeding your child that you will often forget to eat yourself. You may find yourself sharing your baby’s Cheerios one morning, eating them right out of the box.

• You will become a master in the matter of poop.  You will think about poop more than you ever imagined. You will become obsessed with how often your child poops, how much, it's color and its consistency. You will study pictures on Google to determine if your child’s poop is normal. 

• You will lose all sense of vanity and become a master of humility. Very little will embarrass you. Singing “I’m a little teapot”, complete with all the hand gestures while waiting in line at the bank? Going to the store wearing a shirt with spit up on it and slippers? Not a problem. It will take much more than that to embarrass you when it comes to your child. 

• You will become the ultimate master multitasker. When we say multitasking we don’t mean making funny faces at your baby while changing their diaper. We mean balancing one child on one hip and feeding her while holding a bottle you have squashed between your neck and shoulder, stirring dinner with the other hand and talking to your other kid who is clinging to your knees and begging for a cookie and talking to your friend on the speakerphone all at the same time.

• You will master your entire adult life between the hours that the baby goes to sleep and your own bedtime. The Internet and 24 hours stores will become your new best friends.

• You will become a master interpreter. When your baby begins to speak and, for a period of time afterward, only you will be able to understand her.

• You will master the art of discernment. The family pet will no longer be your baby because you have a real baby. You will realize that it’s inappropriate to buy a little pink skirt for Fluffy instead of one for your daughter.  Just remember to feed poor Fluffy and let her outside to poop. (Oh my, there is that word again.)

• You will turn into your parents thereby mastering the art of imitation. No matter how many time you have said, “I will never <blank> like my parents did,” you will. One day you will hear yourself say, “Your face is going to freeze like that someday!”

• You will master the art of forgiveness. One day something you love and is probably very expensive, will be ruined.  You may be angry for a while but when you realize your baby didn’t do it intentionally, you will forgive them. 

• You will be a master in the way you judge your childless friends. It becomes awkward and difficult to even sustain a conversation with them because it’s simply impossible to talk about anything else other than your baby and they really don’t want to hear it. You will become an adult with a child and your non-adult friends will slowly disappear out of your life.

• You will become a master of operating on less sleep than ever dreamed was humanly possible.  Some days you will wonder if you are losing or mind or just lacking sleep. So, you will Google the words “sleep deprivation” and “mental illness” and come to the grim realization that the symptoms are remarkably similar. Somehow, though, you manage to do it.

• You will be a master car cleaner. Or at least you will try. The backseat of your car is going to become a nasty, sticky mess. No matter how many potato chip bags or empty water bottles you take out of your car, there always seem to be double that amount the next morning. 

• You will master the art of being a secret agent. Every trip out of the house will feel like a survival expedition or dangerous mission. “Got diapers?” “Check.” “Got extra clothes, pacifier, and blanket?” “Check”.

• You become a master of patience. You will already be running late when you discover the baby needs her diaper changed again. You do so realizing that the world won’t come to an end if you are 15 minutes late.

• You become a master cat burglar. Seriously. One night after the baby is finally asleep you will realize you need something from their room. You will slip in; find the item in total darkness, then slip out without making a sound.

• You will become a master at being imitated. All your faults will be magnified back at you as your child imitates everything you do and say. It’s a sobering experience but a good one. Your children will make you want to be a better person.

• You will master your relationship with your partner. You will hate them more than ever sometimes, especially when you are seriously sleep-deprived. However, you will find that you love them more than ever when they make selfless sacrifices to help you cope.

• You will become a master of gratitude. Grateful that your baby fell asleep early, grateful that you have enough diapers on a stormy night, and grateful to your parents for raising you as an infant.

• You become a master of comparison. No matter what you say now you will compare your baby to every other baby and you will absolutely believe that yours is the best. Ever.

• Even after you master all of the above, you will come to the realization that being someone’s mommy or daddy is worth it. Yes, this is something everyone tells you but it’s something you must master the experience of to truly understand it. Being a parent really is the best. Ever.